It's amazing how therapeutic good conversation can be (especially when good food is involved too :-) Doing the lunch thing at On the Border the other day, I found myself confessing to one of my good friends how my own heart seems to lead me astray from time to time. One day, I'm resting in the hands of God, and the next, I'm not sure if God is even real. What's up with that!?!
Why is it that one moment, I'm able to live in a state of confident assurance and peaceful resolve that God is with me, sees my problems, and is ultimately in control...but then the smallest little issue can seemingly derail my entire world!? I find myself asking questions like, "Why does this have to happen to me right now?" and thinking things like, "Man! Every time I really get it together, it seems like some crap has to go wrong! If only (blah blah blah), I could really stay on the right track..."
I read something recently that shot me in the heart (or the butt...maybe both). It was along these lines: When something bad/wrong happens to me, I've learned to stop blaming the event, or asking God why. Instead, I take inventory of what that event stirs inside of me--what emotions I feel, what fingers I want to point, what thoughts I think. Because the truth is, that event did not crawl inside of me and plant those things there...they were already there! They were simply brought to the surface by my circumstance.
As much as I hate to admit that some of those God-blaming, doubt-spewing, self-absorbed tendencies are in me, they are. And I don't like it! I find great solace in the fact, though, that although my faith sometimes swings from extreme confidence to extreme doubt, God continues to be uber-gracious, all-forgiving, and ever-able. It again fills me with hope and awe, and boggles my mind that he can use such a "tool" as me!
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." (Heb 13:8) I know I can count on Him...my prayer is that He can count on me too!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
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