Redefining Success

I just finished reading a great book for the second time, and I highly recommend it...it's called "The Traveler's Gift" by Andy Andrews. It changed the way I think about life both times I read it, and I handed it off to another friend yesterday to help him in his journey, because it's helped me so much in mine.

Some things are genetic, some things are learned, but the only things that are permanent are the things we choose to believe. For far too long, I've believed something about my life that, until now, I have been unable to identify as false, even ridiculous. There has been an underlying feeling of failure within myself that ebbs and flows, but never subsides. No matter how much I accomplish or succeed at certain aspects of life, I don't feel like a success. Why?

Even within the context of spirituality, having established a connection with the divine as a child and walking in close relationship with God throughout my life thus far, why do I feel this way? When I know I am loved unconditionally despite my faults and failures, and there is no need to prove anything to Him, why do I feel the need to prove so much to myself?

I am finally learning to love myself more truly. It's funny...I've always seen the best in people, and never had that much trouble loving them, but I've had a heck of a time loving me. Somehow I haven't measured up to all the high expectations that I established for myself many years ago (maybe because some of my expectations are a little crazy). The love of God is unconditional, so if His love is in me, why am I conditional with myself? It's funny how you can be gracious with others, while withholding grace from yourself.

For much of my life, I've allowed my financial prowess (or lack thereof :-) to dominate my feelings of success. While part of that is innate as a man, much of it is tied to the "American dream," and the culture we live in. But I work for a church, and I'm a musician...that's two strikes right there! Ha! But in all seriousness, I am fed up with the tide of worry and fear that has washed up discouragement and despair on the shores of my cerebral cortex!! As a Christ follower, I know that something's wrong when my decisions are being guided more by fear than by faith.

So what is "success?" I think it's much more tied to who you are than what you do. Even if you DO a lot, that in itself does not make you successful. If I had accomplished all my big dreams, but died without ever loving myself simply and completely, I missed the mark! And as I write this, I wonder if I'm writing these words as a cop out because I haven't attained the Everest-esque peaks that I had hoped to reach by now...but for me, I can honestly say no. Because even if I was that high, I'd still be searching for what I've found "down" here.

Simply put, I am enough. I am married to an all-around beautiful woman, who I love more today than ever before. I have two awesome little boys, and another bun in the oven (due in September...woo hoo!). I am following a bigger plan for my life than I made for myself (not bigger in the vein of how I used to think, but bigger because it's not mine...wink). I get to do what I love for a living alongside other people who truly love me for me. I have true friends, who will be friends for a lifetime.

Money is nice. Accomplishment feels good. But living in faith, hope, and most of all, love...that is success!